Of Perverts and Old Ghouls
by KittyShampoo
Summary: Happicolo. Yep! You read it right! Happosai and Cologne. This fic was loosely inspired by 'You've got Mail'... what would happen if Happosai and Cologne both came into possesion of a laptop? SOMEthing's bound to! Heehee.. R+R please!


Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma! ...really...

Happousai bounded over the rooftops of Nerima, his usual black sack full of booty hefted onto his tiny back. Today had been especially prosperous for the pintsized pervert. He had been on the go all day, launching an attack on the girl's locker room at breakfast, moving on to the women's public baths around lunch and then feeding his perversion to the brim by pilfering some sweet treats from random houses in town for dinner.

He cackled in glee at the thought of returning home and sorting through his new little pretties, then adding them to his carefully arranged collection. It was all the old man wanted to have a sample from every walk of life, of different fibres, colours and sizes. There were so many different kinds to 'collect' and so little time to do so.

As the winter sun was dipping slightly below the horizon, the wrinkled old man finally returned back to his temporary home. He hopped through the open shoji and over the table, happily taking note of the terrified looks from his two disrespectful students. He could truly say he'd earned his right to be called 'Master' when the very sight of him struck fear into men's hearts.

Happousai slivered up the banister and ran the rest of the way to his room, managing to cop a feel of the passing Akane's bosom before she knew what hit her.

"Happousai!" Akane growled, spinning around in preparation to tear the little pervert to pieces. He was already too far down the corridor, and she didn't have time to pursue him since she had to meet Sayuri and Yuka in a few minutes. "I'll get you later!" She cried, shaking her fist, then continued on her way.

Happousai cackled as he entered his room and slammed the door shut, then began sorting through his treasures. Oh what a wonderful life he lived. Beautiful women were chasing him and assaulting him left and right every day. How many men could say that? (Not including Ranma, of course...)

Speaking of Ranma... Happousai paused in his underwear sorting to think of the young martial artist. He had not seen his favourite student all day, what a travesty! The boy was probably out in the dojo training or perhaps in the furo having a wash. It would be rude of him _not_ to go visit.

Armed with a black lace bra and reminding himself to pick up some cold water on the way, Happi pounced out of his room and began making his way to the stairs. He paused at Nabiki's door, however, seeing something too tempting for him to pass up.

The door was wide open and the light was off, meaning the intelligent young girl was obviously not inside. He peeked around the corner slowly, just to be one hundred percent certain. The light that filtered through the window from the early moon bathed the room in a white glow, and he could see that Nabiki was indeed nowhere to be seen.

The old man pondered on this. He and Nabiki had come to a sort of understanding over the last two years. He had great respect for the girl and was even somewhat afraid of her, too. If he had ever seen someone _too_ smart for their own good, it was her. Happousai had resolved not to grope or steal from her, and thus would never suffer Nabiki's wrath. A sharp mind could be just as dangerous, if not more, as a sharp sword.

It had gone unspoken between them, but nonetheless understood. But right now the old lech was fighting a losing battle against his perversion. This was a perfect opportunity for him to finally get a few of Nabiki's little pretties, the forbidden fruit, and for no one to find out about it.

He decided to risk it. He would be in and out of there as swift as an eagle, and a very perverted one at that.

So Nabiki liked panties with little flowers on them did she? Who would have guessed it! He cackled for the umpteenth time that evening then scooped them all into a bag. (He kept a bag stuffed up his sleeve for such emergencies.)

As he hopped out, feeling more refreshed than ever, something on her desk caught his eye. His shrivelled little legs stopped short of the door and he turned to look at it curiously. It was black and looked very much like a TV with keys attached to it, only a little smaller, and it was making the most curious humming sound...

Happousai pounded his fist against his open palm, realising what it was. It was one of those 'Laptop' things that he had seen in shop windows and on advertisements. He paused, running the name through his head. _Lap_...top? Maybe it had something to do with _lap_ dancing. Or even ladies _tops_? Either one sounded good to him!

Usually he didn't bother with all these new-fangled technology thingamajigs, unless they helped to fuel his perversion of course. Little did he know how much perversion this black machine could deliver.

He hopped up onto the desk and plopped down in front of it, dropping his precious pretties carefully onto the chair behind him. He stared at the laptop curiously, wondering what to do. The screen was dark but it was still making that strange humming noise...

He squinted to see the keys in that dark room then pressed the first key he saw, and nearly jumped out of his skin when the screen suddenly lit up and images formed onscreen.

He stared at it. "Money.co.jp?" He scrunched his tiny little nose up. Was everything that girl did related to money? He spotted a box next to the word "Search" and decided that was just what he'd do. Now what would he search for... "Aha!" He said, then began furiously pressing the keys. "Pretty ladies of course, wahahaha!"

After finding a range of pictures of beautiful, but conservatively dressed ladies Happi's curiosity was peaked. If he could find pretty ladies so easily... then it should be just as simple to find...

"Sexy ladies!"

"Oh, sweet mana of heaven..." Now _this_ was the stuff! After ten or so minutes of constant drooling, an article on one of the pages caught his eye. 'Want to _meet_ a sexy lady?' Happousai nodded eagerly then continued reading. 'Then come into our sexy lady chat! There's guaranteed to be a hot babe just _waiting_ for you to talk to her.'

"How sweet it is..." Happousai grinned and pressed yes with such ferocity that the mouse button nearly snapped in half. This laptop was turning out to be a lot more useful than he'd thought!

He entered his name as 'SecksyStud' (It was _too_ true, after all) and began unleashing his perversion on the room's unfortunate and unknowing occupants...

Earlier, elsewhere...

Cologne sighed as she looked out of her restaurant window. The sun had begun to set over the rooftops, casting a warm orange glow over the inside of the Nekohanten. She watched as Shampoo cleared away the leftover bowls and cutlery from one of the tables. The group of boys there had been like Neanderthals, throwing food at each other and treating Shampoo like a piece of meat.

They hadn't looked too smug when a super fast monkey-on-a-stick had stormed towards them, and booted the group out. Japanese men were too wild, unlike the village's men who knew their place and did their damned-well best to stay there.

Speaking of obedient men... Mousse stumbled out of the kitchen, his glasses on _top_ of his head as usual, carrying four bowls of steaming ramen over towards the counter. But unfortunately he tripped over his own feet and the bowls went flying towards the wall. They hit it with a loud 'Crash' then slowly slid down, leaving the walls with a new 'ramen' look.

"You fool!" Cologne cried, scurrying over to him and bopping him on the head with her stick. "Put your glasses on and hurry and clean that up! We have to be prepared for the evening rush."

"I don't see you doing anything to prepare for it but sit there and boss us around..." Mousse muttered, flicking his glasses in front of his eyes in time to see the stick coming towards his head again. Bop! He groaned and moved to clean the bowls up hastily.

"Stupid Mousse..." Shampoo sighed.

Cologne watched over the boy like a hawk for a few moments, revelling in each twitch she caused with her steady, beady-eyed glare, then bounded off into the back room.

She groaned and rubbed her small fingers over her forehead, feeling more like _three_ hundred years old than _two._ Hey... even old ghouls get exhausted _sometimes_...

She slumped down on a chair and prepared to have a quick rest, but something on a table in the corner caught her eye. A laptop? Where on earth had that come from?

"Shampoo! Come here now!"

"Yes great-grandmother?" Replied the perky amazon, walking into the backroom. She nervously noted that the old woman's eyes had a dangerous gleam to them.

"What is that?" Cologne asked, pointing to the black machine.

"Oh! Is laptop! Is little-"

"I know what it is. Where did you get it? And how on _earth_ did you pay for it? You know we don't have that kind of money to throw around..."

Shampoo grinned cutely (Is anything she does _not_ cute?) and hopped over to the old woman. "Shampoo read a magazine that say 'Is easy to find true love on Internet!' so Shampoo go to store to buy a computer. But the sales clerk thought Shampoo _too_ cute, and so give it to Shampoo for only 5% of full price!" Her grin slipped suddenly and she pouted, folding her arms angrily. "But Shampoo no find airen on Internet!"

"Hmm, I see."

"Great-grandmother want go find true love?" Shampoo giggled, picking the laptop up and handing it to the old ghoul.

Cologne shook her head and tried to push it away. "No, I don't think so, child..."

"Is okay! I start it up for you. Great-grandmother want use Shampoo screen name?"

"What is it?"

"AmazonBabe," Shampoo smiled and patted her great-grandmother on the shoulder. "Suit you well!"

Cologne chuckled and smiled gratefully at her granddaughter. Well, she'd give the Internet a go. Maybe she could even try to get in contact with some of the Amazons back in China, or even find some recipes for ancient potions...

How she ended up in a room called "Sexy gurlz and guyz chat", she'll never know...


End file.
